Thursday, June 20, 2013

Perspective

Really tough week dealing with death and aging....The death was a shock and it hit me in a hard way.  Tuesday night I was restless and woke up around 11 with an unsettling feeling.  So I made sure my kids were home and after that was confirmed I was picked up my phone and was scrolling Facebook, which I generally never to at night.... and was saddened to see a post about a friend/former athlete I coached had suffered a bike crash at the velodrome and was in the hospital.  I was not alarmed but worried.  The number of friends who have crashes is high and generally it entails broken clavicle, ribs, serious road rash...painful but fixable.  I assumed the same for Jackie.

Around  2 I woke up again and without pausing checked Facebook to see if there were any updates and I was shocked to read a post her husband that she was in the ICU and it did not look good..... As it turns out it was horrific, she had severed her brain stem in the crash and she was virtually gone.   Devastating.....to think it could happen so fast and such a freak accident.  The emotions that followed were like a roller coaster and the outpouring from her world is breathtaking.  She touched so many people through cycling, church, Texas A&M, Junior League and the list goes on.... pictures and postings flooding her page are so amazing.  Her smile was infectious and she lived big.  I admired her courage and attitude when I worked with her.  It was early mornings at Ventura Cove, first light and sometimes cold and she was determined to improve her swim for an upcoming triathlon.  She was present and eager at 5:30am and willing to do whatever it took.....after her race and a successful swim she threw her arms around me and thanked me.  The moments any coach lives for.   

Soon thereafter she caught the cycling bug big time and pursued racing with vengeance  I admired her willingness to go for it, as I am somewhat scared of the bike racing scene.  I loved seeing her posts, her success and how happy she always looked. It was fun to live through her excitement. 

I have cried so many tears and then today I woke up feeling less sadness and more accepting. She was deeply religious which is comforting in time of death... and I have this sense of peace.  I ran hard this morning in the trails with Mako and she was rolling though my thoughts but instead of tears I found myself smiling when thinking of how amazing she was.  I am sure the emotions will roll and I am thankful for a local memorial on Monday before she is laid to rest in Texas.  I am thankful she did not suffer and honestly she lived her life in the moment and made the most of every day....why it ended on Tuesday I will never understand but then again perhaps I am not meant to.

Meanwhile my step father who suffers from  Parkinson's - Lewy Bodies Dementia is not doing well.  In April we had to move him from home to a Dementia care home as he requires 24-7 care and my 79 year old mother simply cannot manage a 175lb man and full time care.  As we age we become very child like.  His behaviours and needs are much like that of a 2 or 3 year old....however my mom is 79 not 30-40 something and he is 175lbs...not viable.  Bottom line....again sucks!   My plan is to have an "escape" plan before it gets too late (but that is not really a blog topic for today) In any case he is not well and we are learning about Hospice and how we/they will navigate from here.  Fathers Day was so sad..he is a shell of the emotional man he was- to see this gregarious, infectious, obstinate man simply sit and not speak or react is heart breaking.   Oh...... ok I'm done- enough of the depressing topic. Thanks for letting me vent. 

The cool thing is a co- worker and a masters swimmer both had babies this week :)  Yeah!! So happy....and a good friend has a (secret) bun in the oven and I so happy for them. This kid has good genes..... 

I have 2 amazing teenagers who at times push me over the edge  to keep me awake at night, cause me to worry me busy and engaged.  We have great times and challenging times.  It is nice to have JD home with his energy and "boy" antics....rough housing with Mako and his generally easy going personality. 

I am doing a good job (or I hope I am) of self coaching.... for me a good job is no injury and I am motivated and having fun.  Crossfit continues to kick my arse and I have cut back to 2x a week as I am ramping up for Vineman.  Since the WOD is not published and is a total surprise I never know what is in store....Some days I am demolished and others I feel strong.  Last Friday was major squats and single leg squats (which were okay on Friday) but forced me to bail on me 4x8 minute intervals on the bike on Saturday - I had NO power and seriously I was going ow, ow, ow with every pedal stroke.  The delayed soreness was killer...the good news was my hilly trail run Sunday was manageable.  So who knows.... Vineman will be interesting to see- I have no clue how fit I am or how all this will play out. 

I rode Tuesday East County - which I have been doing weekly but Rachel needed to ride 80 and I said sure.....yowza  80 miles with 7400 ft of climbing- but the good news is I felt great- solid ride, was tired but not trashed. So maybe my cycling is better than I assumed. Who knows.... I am debating to I do CF tomorrow (friday) I have gone 2x this week..do I risk it- today as a lot of heavy squats (will pay for that tomorrow) wall balls, burpees and push ups- hmmm.  Will be an AM call.   CF is great as it is 1 hour and I think about nothing else but form, technique, how much it hurts.... but it is a great mental distraction.